I am judging you right now.

Sincerely,
Your horrified barista

These are two distinct geographical regions. If you come into my Starbucks and ask for a “Grande Pikes Peak”, I will kindly serve you the coffee you meant to ask for, and I will secretly want to hand you a map.

Customer in her 70′s walks in with make up piled on high and smeared red lipstick.

Barista: Good morning!  Welcome to Starbucks.  What can I get you this morning?

Customer: My what a lovely smile you have.

Barista: Thank you very much!

Customer: That is the kind of smile you get from not going to church very much!

Barista: there are no words….

The Great Starbucks Bagel Grammar Foofaraw

As the admirable Bon Qui Qui would say, “Welcome to [Starbucks] where you can have it your way, but don’t get crazy!”

Wait, wrong joke.

So a girl with a plant walks into Starbucks. What kind of plant is that, I ask? Dunno, it belongs to my dad, says she…My plant died and it’s National Carry Your Plant Around Day so I borrowed his.

True story.

There was a lady in front of me who had a problem with her drink. She asked Mr. Barista Man,

What are all these markings on my cup? This doesn’t taste like my normal drink!

He proceeded to read off her (no less than 15 word) drink and it turns out that she had ordered a latte but was given a mocha. She then said,

No problem. I can just drink this mocha. But wait- (shouting) DOES MOCHA HAVE CALORIES?? I CAN SUFFER THROUGH A DRINK THAT’S NOT MINE, BUT NOT IF IT HAS CALORIES!

She was told that mocha does indeed have calories and she asked for her latte. She then turned to everyone around her and explained the whole story (which we had heard loud and clear).

I WOULD’VE DRANK IT BUT MOCHA HAS CALORIES! I BET YOU CAN TELL I’M A DIETITIAN, HUH???

Note from People of Starbucks moderator: In my mind’s eye, this woman is wearing brightly-colored scrubs featuring cats.

Of the dozen or so trash cans in the store, the two most exciting to service are the “women’s only” bin and the drive-thru can. You never know WHAT you’ll find in the latter (and always have a fair idea of the former).

Today I had the pleasure of changing out the DT trash*. Even from inside the store I could tell it was a steaming doozie – trash was bursting forth and even littering the surrounding ground a bit. I armed myself with my favorite pair of yellow flock-lined latex gloves, three large trashbags, and an adventurous spirit.

Turns out I should have armed myself with blinders, for I tossed open the lid and RIGHT THERE IN MY FACE LYING COVER-SIDE UP was a big ole porn DVD. It’s like the Olsen Twins: I didn’t WANT to look, but I couldn’t help but stare for a second. I have blocked out the title of the video, but suffice to say it involved teens and crazy times with lawn equipment. <shudder>

This whole episode begs the question: WHO would throw away porn at the Starbucks Drive-Thru and why would they choose THAT MOMENT, fresh out of the line and tasty beverages in hand, to discard it? I don’t know.

But we served them coffee.