You will not pass go, you will not collect a hundred dollars.

Pro tip: For optimal results, never ever call your barista a “clucking witch” or anything similar. This will not endear her to your cause, especially if your cause is trying to pass a counterfeit bill.

Starbucks’ policy is to not accept payment with large bills. This shouldn’t come as a surprise- you’d be hard-pressed to find any fast food joint that’d let you buy tacos with a Benjamin. Even still, this policy has a tendency to annoy two types of people: Middle-aged white women driving large SUV’s and scammers. All others will reasonably attempt another form of payment or abandon their caffeinated cause.

I’ll discuss MAWWDLSUV’s another time, but for now, let’s talk about the scammer… This fella barrels through my DT with his young kid in the passenger seat when my sweet little barista sweetly informs him that we don’t accept $100’s. In response to this information, he yells out crowd favorites, such as “WHAT, DO Y’ALL NOT TAKE AMERICAN MONEY HERE?” and “JUST TAKE YOUR KEYS AND OPEN THAT LITTLE DRAWER AND GIVE ME SOME CHANGE!”  He then proceeds to call my barista an unflattering name and squeal off. Uh, buh bye.

After leaving my store, turns out he went to a nearby Starbucks (passing at least three banks, any of which would have gladly broken his bill) and tried to get them to take his AMERICAN MONEY, too. Can we say, red flag? When his request is denied there he proceeds to loudly cuss the ENTIRE STORE (in front of his child, who probably would have been better off unattended in a running vehicle). After loudly accusing every partner, every customer in line, and every customer in the store of being a CLUCKING WITCH  (or a MOTHER CLUCKER,  depending on the insultee’s gender), he storms out to take his business elsewhere. Again, buh bye.

All of that story to say, my Green Apron and I will do MANY things when asked kindly (or heck, even up to semi-rudely). I *might* even break a large bill or buy your coffee for you if I’m feeling benevolent and you don’t set off my inner scammer sensor (which is well-honed and toned). But call just one of my fellow Green Aprons a wordy dird and you’re not getting squat. (And when I say “you”, I mean that figuratively as I know that you you would never do such a thing).

How Not to Get Hired at Starbucks, Part I

Welcome to the first tutorial in my series of How Not to Get Hired at Starbucks. Just think of me as your learning coach for the day and let’s get this journey started!

Today’s topic: Turning In An Application

Before you can be considered for employment, it is a MUST to turn in an application. Sounds easy, but you might be startled to find out how many would-be employees don’t understand the basic rules involved.

Here are some major pitfalls to avoid:

  1. It is never OK to turn in an application through the DT Window. If you cannot be bothered to get out of your car and walk in, chances are you cannot be bothered to be a good employee.
  2. Slightly less offensive, but still not OK is walking in but failing to get off your cell phone and dangling your application in my direction. If you cannot make eye contact or offer a basic greeting when meeting a potential employer, chances are you will not be able to deliver these courtesies to a customer.

Other minor errors in judgment that could lead to your application not getting the attention it deserves:

  1. Getting your mother to turn in an application on your behalf.
  2. Borrowing the store’s only pen* to fill out your application. (Be prepared with a writing utensil!)
  3. Forgetting to return the only pen* when you’ve finished.
  4. Dressing inappropriately (I realize “professional attire” is relative when it comes to a coffee shop, but it never bodes well for an applicant to be showing his/her underwear).
  5. Announcing that you “hate coffee but sure could use a job.”

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of scenarios to avoid but is definitely a good place to start. For our next lesson we’ll be discussing how to fill out an application. You won’t wanna miss it!

* I realize a store should always have multiple pens on hands, but sometimes they disappear and the One Pen Left Standing becomes as valuable as its weight in gold.