Always Workin for the Weekend

Ooooh, the shenanigans people were up to this weekend! Here’s the highlight reel:

1) Dear Annoying Phone Borrower, just because we let you use our phone every time you come in does NOT mean it’s ok to borrow the phone while sitting in your car at the DT window. (He wanted to place a call to see what his friends wanted since he was here – with our phone. Really?) Consider this:

  1. See those cars piling up behind you? They are thinking hateful thoughts about you!
  2. See these baristas with their jaw hanging open? They are stunned beyond words and are also thinking hateful thoughts!
  3. See those ads for cell phones all over the city? You need one! If you have enough money to come to Starbucks all the time, you have enough to pay your own phone bill.

2) Dear Construction Man Working in the Shop Next Door, no you may not turn off our water for a half hour so you can do your job. We require water to do ours!

3) Dear Santa Double, it is disturbing when you make dirty jokes to the barista at the register.

4) Dear Herd of High School Students Who Hover in Front of the Register But Don’t Order for Eight Minutes, you are nowhere near as cool as you imagine. The only thing that unnerves me more than you approaching are Herds of Hot Chocolate-Drinking Shoppers on Black Friday.

5) Dear Wife of Unknown Former Starbucks Employee, thank you for randomly delivering a pound of Sharpies through the DT window. You gave me hope for the goodness of humanity and the strength to serve all the others.

You will not pass go, you will not collect a hundred dollars.

Pro tip: For optimal results, never ever call your barista a “clucking witch” or anything similar. This will not endear her to your cause, especially if your cause is trying to pass a counterfeit bill.

Starbucks’ policy is to not accept payment with large bills. This shouldn’t come as a surprise- you’d be hard-pressed to find any fast food joint that’d let you buy tacos with a Benjamin. Even still, this policy has a tendency to annoy two types of people: Middle-aged white women driving large SUV’s and scammers. All others will reasonably attempt another form of payment or abandon their caffeinated cause.

I’ll discuss MAWWDLSUV’s another time, but for now, let’s talk about the scammer… This fella barrels through my DT with his young kid in the passenger seat when my sweet little barista sweetly informs him that we don’t accept $100’s. In response to this information, he yells out crowd favorites, such as “WHAT, DO Y’ALL NOT TAKE AMERICAN MONEY HERE?” and “JUST TAKE YOUR KEYS AND OPEN THAT LITTLE DRAWER AND GIVE ME SOME CHANGE!”  He then proceeds to call my barista an unflattering name and squeal off. Uh, buh bye.

After leaving my store, turns out he went to a nearby Starbucks (passing at least three banks, any of which would have gladly broken his bill) and tried to get them to take his AMERICAN MONEY, too. Can we say, red flag? When his request is denied there he proceeds to loudly cuss the ENTIRE STORE (in front of his child, who probably would have been better off unattended in a running vehicle). After loudly accusing every partner, every customer in line, and every customer in the store of being a CLUCKING WITCH  (or a MOTHER CLUCKER,  depending on the insultee’s gender), he storms out to take his business elsewhere. Again, buh bye.

All of that story to say, my Green Apron and I will do MANY things when asked kindly (or heck, even up to semi-rudely). I *might* even break a large bill or buy your coffee for you if I’m feeling benevolent and you don’t set off my inner scammer sensor (which is well-honed and toned). But call just one of my fellow Green Aprons a wordy dird and you’re not getting squat. (And when I say “you”, I mean that figuratively as I know that you you would never do such a thing).