You will not pass go, you will not collect a hundred dollars.

Pro tip: For optimal results, never ever call your barista a “clucking witch” or anything similar. This will not endear her to your cause, especially if your cause is trying to pass a counterfeit bill.

Starbucks’ policy is to not accept payment with large bills. This shouldn’t come as a surprise- you’d be hard-pressed to find any fast food joint that’d let you buy tacos with a Benjamin. Even still, this policy has a tendency to annoy two types of people: Middle-aged white women driving large SUV’s and scammers. All others will reasonably attempt another form of payment or abandon their caffeinated cause.

I’ll discuss MAWWDLSUV’s another time, but for now, let’s talk about the scammer… This fella barrels through my DT with his young kid in the passenger seat when my sweet little barista sweetly informs him that we don’t accept $100’s. In response to this information, he yells out crowd favorites, such as “WHAT, DO Y’ALL NOT TAKE AMERICAN MONEY HERE?” and “JUST TAKE YOUR KEYS AND OPEN THAT LITTLE DRAWER AND GIVE ME SOME CHANGE!”  He then proceeds to call my barista an unflattering name and squeal off. Uh, buh bye.

After leaving my store, turns out he went to a nearby Starbucks (passing at least three banks, any of which would have gladly broken his bill) and tried to get them to take his AMERICAN MONEY, too. Can we say, red flag? When his request is denied there he proceeds to loudly cuss the ENTIRE STORE (in front of his child, who probably would have been better off unattended in a running vehicle). After loudly accusing every partner, every customer in line, and every customer in the store of being a CLUCKING WITCH  (or a MOTHER CLUCKER,  depending on the insultee’s gender), he storms out to take his business elsewhere. Again, buh bye.

All of that story to say, my Green Apron and I will do MANY things when asked kindly (or heck, even up to semi-rudely). I *might* even break a large bill or buy your coffee for you if I’m feeling benevolent and you don’t set off my inner scammer sensor (which is well-honed and toned). But call just one of my fellow Green Aprons a wordy dird and you’re not getting squat. (And when I say “you”, I mean that figuratively as I know that you you would never do such a thing).